(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2022 11:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pengwernlike any normal child, one fine spring break when I had a national contest to prepare for, I spent every hour of those nine days reading through the entirety of the baen cd containing vorkosigan novels.
...
I also printed them out in 8.5 font onto paper, which did not solve my lack of Memory problem, and thrillingly it was worth the wait, much like the entire Discworld series before I had access to the downtown library and Borders. Books I wait for have mostly been as wonderful as I could have dreamed, literally in the case of Mort, although that time my dream only supported me as far as locating the volumes.
..
as a result of bingeing on both a lindt bag of mixed chocolates and miles vorkosigan novels, I have 1) anchored the flavour of white chocolate rounds and peanut butter rounds to various points in A Civil Campaign, and 2) read a LOT of vorkosigan fic, and some dresden files fic, and had the general varied diet of your typical millennial (so much homestuck) -- and it's only now, after I've gone through actual how to texts on bdsm (The Heart of Dominance by Anton Fulmen + the paired works The New Topping/Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) that things actually started making sense. I mean it was VERY clear that a subculture existed, but -- that there's books on this! That I could have looked up! And which I didn't because... I don't do research on original canons? Most BDSM guides I came across were thorough on the 'what to do' bit and not on the 'why'. I'm just SO charmed that my decision to research the loyalty post that's been percolating for half a decade paid off in such a way that I up and went to take part in Beta Colony's rich bounty of educational seminars.
That was Saturday.
I walked out the door just....it's not about BDSM (as of this point), which is probably a motif that will repeat, it's the access to people and community and traditions, for all that they're measured in decades...exist. What had me marveling -- isn't even the innate good qualities it had, although I appreciate those too, it's the....an animal learning something is real. I don't think the diffuse interest on my part had a particular intensity to it, but...^U^ surprised by the reassurance from somebody physically saying things that had always been pixels on a screen. (The alternate title to this post is probably, 'putting out a sensor to prod at grass'.)
Interlude:
Me: oh I may want to try rope!
Me a few resources in: oh :[ apparently pre-reqs involve learning yoga :(((( do not want to learn yoga :(((( tying someone up is basically the VERY fast version of knitting them a sweater anyway, right?
Today, I had no impulse control or sense, and also anything I put off I will never do, so I went to the first dating event I've ever attempted, in the middle, of, a --
--
...Ok first people were very nice! I am suffused with general goodwill towards them! I have no idea what they think of me, even aside from my shambolic self, since I came back to a delightful post about how much sinophobia has been (etc) since 2015, which led me down doom tracks for a bit, but wow, the high of talking to people in context appropriate ways (even if I was...personally, totally not ...) It was a very 'cone balanced on its point' type of day, which is apparently quite, quite rare. Didn't do anything about my utter inability to communicate!
....
the immortal lines of passion I consistently inspired to-day: "can't hear you"
:||||||||
I read a tumblr ramble about how the Puella Magi series had for an author someone whose disdain for girls was plain to see, but -- the kind of fear that can be made into an entire realm when at last your girl snaps under a last straw -- there's such an appeal to it, how fascinating and beautiful one's sheer lack can be, in that decoupaged animation -- ...won't use the word trauma since it's not nearly to that extent, but my heart's knot for being incomprehensible even when I'm saying the same thing over and over -- not trying to communicate with others for the majority of my life was in fact good for something (not experiencing that) \o/
--
and that I'm at a place where I can up and go to an event like this is already the end result of a precarious climb from which I could trip at any moment, or the mountain (world) itself might well choose to fling me carelessly down. Five years ago I could not have known what to say or do in the presence of this number of newly met people, seven years ago I would have turned into a Pompeiian cast. Today I had stuff to say and found them interesting despite my normal speaking voice being apparently completely inaudible ?? Without it being particularly difficult for me. My affect is probably not what I would wish it to be, but luckily I am self-centered enough to not care much.
....
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ok so at least tomorrow I may attend to a zoom class on some of the science behind kink :> and dump some of the more entertaining phrases I came across these last few days from the books, and next week, we'll see what happens!
also gregor/ekaterin is a crackship that works so well
...
I also printed them out in 8.5 font onto paper, which did not solve my lack of Memory problem, and thrillingly it was worth the wait, much like the entire Discworld series before I had access to the downtown library and Borders. Books I wait for have mostly been as wonderful as I could have dreamed, literally in the case of Mort, although that time my dream only supported me as far as locating the volumes.
..
as a result of bingeing on both a lindt bag of mixed chocolates and miles vorkosigan novels, I have 1) anchored the flavour of white chocolate rounds and peanut butter rounds to various points in A Civil Campaign, and 2) read a LOT of vorkosigan fic, and some dresden files fic, and had the general varied diet of your typical millennial (so much homestuck) -- and it's only now, after I've gone through actual how to texts on bdsm (The Heart of Dominance by Anton Fulmen + the paired works The New Topping/Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy) that things actually started making sense. I mean it was VERY clear that a subculture existed, but -- that there's books on this! That I could have looked up! And which I didn't because... I don't do research on original canons? Most BDSM guides I came across were thorough on the 'what to do' bit and not on the 'why'. I'm just SO charmed that my decision to research the loyalty post that's been percolating for half a decade paid off in such a way that I up and went to take part in Beta Colony's rich bounty of educational seminars.
That was Saturday.
I walked out the door just....it's not about BDSM (as of this point), which is probably a motif that will repeat, it's the access to people and community and traditions, for all that they're measured in decades...exist. What had me marveling -- isn't even the innate good qualities it had, although I appreciate those too, it's the....an animal learning something is real. I don't think the diffuse interest on my part had a particular intensity to it, but...^U^ surprised by the reassurance from somebody physically saying things that had always been pixels on a screen. (The alternate title to this post is probably, 'putting out a sensor to prod at grass'.)
Interlude:
Me: oh I may want to try rope!
Me a few resources in: oh :[ apparently pre-reqs involve learning yoga :(((( do not want to learn yoga :(((( tying someone up is basically the VERY fast version of knitting them a sweater anyway, right?
Today, I had no impulse control or sense, and also anything I put off I will never do, so I went to the first dating event I've ever attempted, in the middle, of, a --
--
...Ok first people were very nice! I am suffused with general goodwill towards them! I have no idea what they think of me, even aside from my shambolic self, since I came back to a delightful post about how much sinophobia has been (etc) since 2015, which led me down doom tracks for a bit, but wow, the high of talking to people in context appropriate ways (even if I was...personally, totally not ...) It was a very 'cone balanced on its point' type of day, which is apparently quite, quite rare. Didn't do anything about my utter inability to communicate!
....
the immortal lines of passion I consistently inspired to-day: "can't hear you"
:||||||||
I read a tumblr ramble about how the Puella Magi series had for an author someone whose disdain for girls was plain to see, but -- the kind of fear that can be made into an entire realm when at last your girl snaps under a last straw -- there's such an appeal to it, how fascinating and beautiful one's sheer lack can be, in that decoupaged animation -- ...won't use the word trauma since it's not nearly to that extent, but my heart's knot for being incomprehensible even when I'm saying the same thing over and over -- not trying to communicate with others for the majority of my life was in fact good for something (not experiencing that) \o/
--
and that I'm at a place where I can up and go to an event like this is already the end result of a precarious climb from which I could trip at any moment, or the mountain (world) itself might well choose to fling me carelessly down. Five years ago I could not have known what to say or do in the presence of this number of newly met people, seven years ago I would have turned into a Pompeiian cast. Today I had stuff to say and found them interesting despite my normal speaking voice being apparently completely inaudible ?? Without it being particularly difficult for me. My affect is probably not what I would wish it to be, but luckily I am self-centered enough to not care much.
....
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ok so at least tomorrow I may attend to a zoom class on some of the science behind kink :> and dump some of the more entertaining phrases I came across these last few days from the books, and next week, we'll see what happens!
also gregor/ekaterin is a crackship that works so well
no subject
Date: 2022-02-11 10:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-02-11 08:54 pm (UTC)But no, I know tying people UP doesn’t need yoga — it requires macrame instead XDDDDD
(Although the basic ties left me kind of feeling....so that’s it?? you just loop string around people? vague emotions of crochet/knitterly mock-disdain/relief :D)
I feel like I should try macrame again with string that is not acrylic worsted yarn from walmart now that I’m older and can find better non-squashy string.